Over the weekend Apple released the Public Beta for macOS: Sierra, as a huge Apple fan, and someone who loves to be on the cutting edge of technology, I downloaded it the day it was available. Being in beta format however means that this is not the solid software one would generally expect of a public release. It can be buggy and certain features may not work properly because it isn’t the ‘final version’ of the software. (I realize while writing this the metaphor for my transition).
I love to jot down notes. Scribbling thoughts and ideas that come to mind; were computer files, physical scraps of paper, I would likely be buried in hundreds upon hundreds of pages of just different notes. Notes for stories, notes for parts of a series, notes on my thoughts about relationships in general, my dislike of certain authors, my transition and everything in between. This also means that, try though I might, I’m not as organized with these notes as I’d like to be, but over the weekend as I backed up my computer (admittedly after installing the beta version of macOS Sierra), I started looking at some of my notes, and organizing them into a larger Scrivener file with some of my thoughts and ideas, and possible blog posts for the future.
It was interesting seeing some of my thoughts and notes from early in my transition,. There were times that felt like I was never going to be able to fully accomplish my transition because it felt so overwhelming that I didn’t even know where to begin. Now with two years of full time experience under my belt and the plethora of knowledge that goes with being in transition for the better part of three years now, I know now that there is no right or wrong way to begin. Transitioning is a personal experience, it’s something we all have to come to on our own terms, in our on ways, and in our own time. For me, the start of my journey was my full time experience because it was something I could do without having to ask anyone’s permission.
I didn’t need any letters, I didn’t really need a great deal of money, it was just in starting small, and living my life. Eventually after I got a job I was able to afford my name change, and to really feel like I was beginning my transition. Changing my name and gender marker along with starting hormones gave me a new lease on my life that I hadn’t fully realized it would. Reading my notes there’s a part of me that wants to tell myself that even though it’s going to take time (and patience isn’t your strong suit), that this experience sort of helps with that. I realize however that these experiences with my transition have made me the person I am today.