Reacting to Old Writing

What was I thinking?

From the moment I sit down, I’m nervous. This was a bad idea. My mind is racing with a million thoughts. INTP—the logician—a thousand and one thoughts at a time. My life for years—at least I have a name for it now. I’ve already pressed record and I’m already made up, and my mother is with me, and there’s no backing out now. This was my idea after all.

It’s been years since I’ve looked at it. The cover is as cute as I remember, and I’m almost impressed that at 12 I was able to put this whole thing together. It has my old name and I’m bothered by that, but my attempts to grab masking tape to block it out are thwarted by the masking tape all but being glued to the roll. I give up—and introduce my mother, then begin the way I always do.

“I’m your host, not for possession, Narcissa Deville… and Welcome to Hell,” I’ve added a flourish to the end, all the more dramatic. I’m glad I’m wearing makeup because I can feel my face getting redder by the second as we introduce the book and I begin to read. This is going to be harder than I thought, I realize. But then, that was the point. 2017 has been a year of challenging myself. To move outside of my comfort zone. It’s why I began vlogging in the first place. So I know that I have to do this. And I know that I have to share it. Because this was the point of all of it.

I barely look at the camera the entire time—but I stick with it.

It’s funny in a way, and almost cute in others… I was so passionate even then. Some things never change—though I know that I definitely write better than I did then. It’s easier to edit than I expect and the majority of our 29 minutes ends up in the final version. I watch it several more times, add the finishing touches and prepare to share it. Maybe I’ll do this again sometime. Or maybe I’ve stepped outside of my comfort zone enough for one video.

Carry On | A Book Review

It’s nearing one in the morning, not that I know that at the time, I’m deep in the heart of Carry On. By which I mean, it’s the climactic end and I know that I cannot possibly stop reading now. It’s somewhere around one fifteen by the time I finally finish the book and I feel a mixture of relief and sadness that I’ve completed this book in one night and there is now no more left to read.

I can’t even remember the last time I devoured a book so quickly—but there was just something about it that I couldn’t help but love… and crave more…

Carry On is the story of Simon Snow, “the worst chosen one who has ever been chosen.” Told from the view point of multiple different characters, in the last year of Simon’s school career, and his battle against the Insidious Humdrum. In between we learn that not all is as it seems, and that there is a fine line between love and hate when it comes to him and his roommate Basilton ‘Baz’ Pitch. (Who I kept reading as Bastilion). Reading like a slow-burn romantic fanfic Carry On is a Warholian revamp of the fantasy genre that I honestly could not get enough of. And it’s one of the first times I almost immediately thought, I want to read that again and again.

10 out of 10 would recommend. 5 demon glasses. It was so adorable, and just so addicting…

PS: I’ve found fanfic and it’s soo good. Yay.

Seriously?! Here’s the Thing- Outing People

popcultureOne of my goals for 2017 was initially to try not to let little things get to me, which needless to say has been largely unsuccessful thus far.

Not for nothing though, this particular story really stuck in my craw and pissed me off so much that I decided I wanted to talk about it here.

Back in the early-2000’s Perez Hilton made a name for himself outing celebrities, talking shit about celebrities, and just generally being really toxic. Somewhere in the last few years however, we’ve come to realize that actually outing people is super gross, and thankfully it’s something that a lot of people look at for what it is, really fucking gross and shady. Unless you’re like some website that shoots pictures of Caitlyn mid-transition then it’s totally fair game, because obviously while it’s totally gross to out gay people trans people are fair game. Which brings me to the crux of this story.

This past week on a (game-show?) called Survivor (I didn’t even know this shit was still running), a contestant decided to go for broke and out a fellow contestant as a trans man. Because… nothing says I’m desperate to stay in the competition than throwing someone under the bus for their gender identity.

Luckily (if you can call it that) the show’s host made it a point to basically tell the guy hey that’s not fucking cool, but now this person who spoiler alert didn’t want his business all over the universe now has to talk about this because… why would anyone ever let this go?

Some people, (shitty people) would likely suggest that if he didn’t want his business all over the world then he shouldn’t have gone on reality tv. To those people I say… shut up and have a seat.

And I wish I had a megaphone to say this:

TRANS PEOPLE DO NOT OWE YOU THEIR HISTORY!

This is really really important.

Just because you’re going on reality television, does not mean every cavity or pap-smear is suddenly up for public consumption. A person’s transition is a personal and private decision (occasionally a medical one) and spoiler alert no one is required to give you their complete medical history in order to be a contestant on a game show/ reality competition.

And really, WHO FUCKING CARES IF HE’S TRANS?!

How does that impede his ability to be on tv?

It wasn’t just that he outed this guy either, it’s that he did so, claiming that he was lying and hiding by not disclosing his trans-ness.

Nuh-uh!

Don’t play that asinine you’re lying if your trans trope.

STOP IT!

Newsflash, you don’t get to decide for people what their gender is. Just because you don’t agree with who a person is doesn’t give you the right to tell the world.

I don’t care if you are bffs with a trans person, that doesn’t inherently give you the right to out them to everyone you know. If they give you permission that’s one thing, but it’s nobodies damn business for you to just share with the world.

The Queen- a documentary- Review

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Living in this generation where marriage equality is a thing, where a show like RuPaul’s Drag Race is a mega hit show that people across the sexuality spectrum adore, it’s almost hard to imagine a time before Stonewall. A time in which drag was illegal, let alone being ‘gay’. Perhaps the scariest part of all is that while it seems like such a long time ago, really it was just under 50 years ago that all of this was still very much the norm. In this way it’s almost poignant to see this story all these years later when, the world seems so different and yet, so similar all the same. The prejudices of this time have hardly abated, but they seem sometimes quieter now.

Two decades before Paris is Burning, the New York drag scene was documented in the 1960’s (before Stonewall) in a documentary called the Queen. It’s an amazing and surprisingly positive look at the LGBT community from 1968, and considering the time frame in which the documentary takes place there’s a certain calm sensibility all things considered. When we think of that time in comparison to now there’s a very clear image we have of Pre-Stonewall America, and yet, in this little slice of Americana you would almost think it was from a totally different era.

Of the two films, Paris is Burning is the more well known, however one of the most iconic scenes in queer cinema did take place in the film the Queen (as seen below). 

Overall this was a fabulous film that I’m thrilled I was able to see, I love getting to experience things that I probably would not have otherwise, and getting to see classic queer cinema like this is so important to our history and our understanding of where we come from.

Finding Community Through Tumblr – late essay

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    In the mid-2000’s, I first discovered Tumblr as an alternative to the less than stellar blogging experience I’d found through the likes of Blogger, and with slightly more design freedom than things like WordPress.  I had no idea at the time, what the real purpose of Tumblr was, only that almost immediately I found myself enamored by the different worlds I found there. It was around this time I also found fan fiction, fan art, and more importantly the concept of Fandom. Like most who find themselves at the overwhelming precipice of all things fan related, I devoured all things fan related, and within two years, or so on the site, I found myself legitimately sick of Harry Potter. To the point at which, I did not see Deathly Hallows part I (and have not to this day).

Read More…

Georgia Peaches and Other Forbidden Fruit – mid Review

day4A few weeks ago I promised that I would be going through my reading list based on an Instagram pic I took of my bookshelf all color coded. I promised to start with the first book in black Six of Crows, but for one reason or another I wasn’t feeling that book when I started reading it, so I decided to switch instead, to a random pick, one I had picked up (or rather my boyfriend picked up for me) for my birthday.

This actually is one of my favorite stories I’ve read in a minute (probably since If I Were Your Girl), it’s the story of a lesbian high school student, who’s Christian radio minister father moves her to a small town in Georgia because of his new wife. As with If I Were Your Girl, it seems like for the most part everyone is pretty on board with her, her father is super cool about it, his new wife is super cool about it, and she’s fallen in love with a girl at her new school after promising her father she would lay low in exchange for her own radio show.

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I’m a little more than mid-way through the book at this point (290 of 419) and I absolutely love it, it’s got a great friendship, and an amazing storyline thus far and I can’t wait to finish it.

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I’m giving it 5/5 glasses for just being great, and building the gay tension like the best sort of fan fiction. I’ll update this post once I’ve finished reading it.

Notes on a Transition

day7Over the weekend Apple released the Public Beta for macOS: Sierra, as a huge Apple fan, and someone who loves to be on the cutting edge of technology, I downloaded it the day it was available. Being in beta format however means that this is not the solid software one would generally expect of a public release. It can be buggy and certain features may not work properly because it isn’t the ‘final version’ of the software. (I realize while writing this the metaphor for my transition).


I love to jot down notes. Scribbling thoughts and ideas that come to mind; were computer files, physical scraps of paper, I would likely be buried in hundreds upon hundreds of pages of just different notes. Notes for stories, notes for parts of a series, notes on my thoughts about relationships in general, my dislike of certain authors, my transition and everything in between. This also means that, try though I might, I’m not as organized with these notes as I’d like to be, but over the weekend as I backed up my computer (admittedly after installing the beta version of macOS Sierra), I started looking at some of my notes, and organizing them into a larger Scrivener file with some of my thoughts and ideas, and possible blog posts for the future.

It was interesting seeing some of my thoughts and notes from early in my transition,. There were times that felt like I was never going to be able to fully accomplish my transition because it felt so overwhelming that I didn’t even know where to begin. Now with two years of full time experience under my belt and the plethora of knowledge that goes with being in transition for the better part of three years now, I know now that there is no right or wrong way to begin. Transitioning is a personal experience, it’s something we all have to come to on our own terms, in our on ways, and in our own time. For me, the start of my journey was my full time experience because it was something I could do without having to ask anyone’s permission.

I didn’t need any letters, I didn’t really need a great deal of money, it was just in starting small, and living my life. Eventually after I got a job I was able to afford my name change, and to really feel like I was beginning my transition. Changing my name and gender marker along with starting hormones gave me a new lease on my life that I hadn’t fully realized it would. Reading my notes there’s a part of me that wants to tell myself that even though it’s going to take time (and patience isn’t your strong suit), that this experience sort of helps with that. I realize however that these experiences with my transition have made me the person I am today.

We Have a Problem

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I_transpn the beginning of this nonsensical, asinine debate over bathrooms I was kind of thinking, okay, this is stupid, but it can’t last right? To my dismay however, and frankly, indignation, not only has this not gone away, it’s gotten impossibly worse! From a cis-woman being stared down while using the restroom by another cis-woman ‘you know in case she was secretly a man’, to the burning of Dr. Pierre Brassard’s Clinic in Montreal, we have a REAL goddamn problem here. And to be quite honest, enough is enough.

This has never been about protecting anyone and as much as we would like to pretend otherwise, it’s just simply not the case. Facts and figures haven’t been enough to reason with people, and frankly neither have personal stories from actual trans people or seeing how these bullshit bills actually AFFECT real lives rather than the ‘theoretical effect’ not having them would pose on cis people.

Apparently not even losing MILLIONS for North Carolina was enough to get them to see, HEY THIS IS STUPID! This is not an argument to be having in 2016, this isn’t an argument to be having in 1916!

Look I grant you change is scary, but the thing of it is, this isn’t some new thing. You may be just hearing about trans people in your restroom for the first time, but that doesn’t make it NEW! Like the rest of the LGBT community we’ve been around, using restrooms since the beginning of time.

We need to take a very hard look at ourselves and our priorities at the current moment, because this is not our biggest problem by far, we have a man who is very likely to become the nominee for a party that has always been out of touch but who has crossed into entirely new territory with this one, and that could mean A LOT bigger problems down the road. This is not just a scare tactic used by bigots, it’s also a diversionary tactic against much larger issues, and somehow a lot of people have fallen for it. But as a trans person, I’m not here to be the GOP scapegoat, while members of their own party are actually out there doing shit in bathrooms, or have we just forgotten about Senator Larry Craig? Or Congressman John Hinson? Or Representative Bob Allen?

The list goes on.

And this is not to say Democrats don’t have sex scandals, but they’re not the ones trying to keep trans people out of the bathroom over an unfounded fear mongering campaign, that is unacceptable and out of control.

And for those cisgender people who have stood by our side, and stood with us, I say thank you. Thank you for your support. But we need more. That people signed on to boycott Target for their inclusive bathroom policy is simply unacceptable. We need to do better, and our cis-LGB brothers and sisters need to stand with us more, because we’re all in this together. Just remember, Sylvia Rivera and Marsha P. Johnson, both trans women, stood up for you during the Stonewall Riots, now it’s time to repay the favor, and stand up for their children and grandchildren.

Can I Just Go?

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Oh the places you will Pee… or not.

Welcome to 2016, and a world wherein certain political groups would like to police where one can go to the bathroom.

For real.

It’s happening all over the place, Indiana for instance, recently introduced a bill that would criminalize trans people for peeing in the ‘wrong bathroom.’ With up to a $5000 fine or a year in jail. SERIOUSLY. Similar bills were introduced in Texas, Florida, and Nevada (where I live) but thankfully didn’t pass.

Now here’s my question…

How the hell, do they plan on implementing such a law? Just for clarity…

IMG_4755 This is the face of a trans person. Now not to toot my own horn here, but… if I hadn’t said anything, you wouldn’t have known that. More importantly my ID says Female. So how would you go about proving this exactly? Force everyone to walk around with their birth certificates in their pockets? Or posting police with iPads to look up your birth certificate online? Or better yet, you go by the ‘if you see something, say something method’ wherein you just ask strangers to report manly looking women’ see how well that goes over. The sad truth is, the ads surrounding how this bill is being sold to people, is aimed exclusively at trans women. The idea being that if such a bill would pass, any perverted man could walk into a women’s restroom and do god knows what.

The problem is, this idea has little to no basis in reality and to suggest that allowing a trans person to pee in the restroom in which they should be entitled, is akin to giving free range to a criminal, is not only gross it’s inaccurate.

I barely like using public restrooms as it is, why make this harder on someone by trying to force them in a restroom they shouldn’t be in? The bottom line is, beyond unconstitutional, it’s morally wrong, and just plain stupid to be wasting our time trying to tell someone where they can and can’t pee. Seriously? If your state has literally nothing better to do, then you must have a thriving economy, and loads in your surplus and the best damn education anywhere in the country. If not, maybe it’s time your constituents vote you out for someone who feels there’s a better use of the state’s money. Looking at you Senator Tomes.